Jesus Is My DJ

At the outset of this ordeal, God blessed me with a job. After struggling to find employment for quite a while, I clocked in every day with the earnest gratitude that only true need can afford. So I carried that joy with me from task to task, busying myself in the various responsibilities as required by my job. It was easy to become lost in the appreciation for the opportunity to humbly partake in His active provisioning- until my ears interrupted. What began as a slow awareness to the music filling my periphery quickly rose to a state of great alarm.

Panic like a bolt of lightning would stab my heart and violently alter my cognitive course in a searing flash.

With a sudden gasp and the feral look of one fighting for their life, I desperately tried to hide my face from all the customers around me, eyes now wide and full of tears.

My windmill? What was this treacherous beast that beset me?

A love song.

Every love song, in fact, and the numerous times they would play over the course of a single shift.

Somehow, these romantic ballads would still reach my ears over the sound of my endlessly repeated prayer “Oh Jesus please help me" over and over again.

They would incite an image or recall a memory with alarming detail; each one coldly prodding at my core.

There seemed to be no escape, and as I fell deeper and deeper into the abyss I was forced to relive both the worst moment of my life and the best simultaneously. Every episode would take me right back to that nightmare moment: heat rising from my neck, thoughts spinning with vertigo, stifling gags as my mind attempted to reconcile with this reality.The worst, of course, were the songs of real pertinence. Our wedding song somehow gained prominence in the store’s seemingly random playlist.

God has use this job in many ways– a proving ground for His holy curriculum, one might say, but notably, here in this example, He instructed me in Providence. 

It wasn’t too long after this all began that I found myself always noting the sky. It became a constant reminder of His presence and I would often tell my boys in the car “most people might just see clouds, but I see God.“

Perhaps more accurately, I should say, I learned to choose to see God. In so doing, my loose awareness of His continued presence transformed into a firm understanding and connection with the heart of the Lord my God. The more I chose to see the world around me that way, the more it grew; the more I expected to encounter Him in it, the more I did. So when I would look up at the clouds, I knew Jesus had set that scene for million reasons, but that I was one of them.

“The Lord has made the heavens His throne; from there He rules over everything.”

Psalms 103:19 NLT

“Jesus came and told His disciples, 'I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth.'"

Matthew 28:18 NLT

Jesus, in His infinite love and active involvement in my life, knew how beholding His glory in the clouds would strengthen me- so He did. I just knew it.

It all began with a choice. An assertion of will to not view the disparate elements of my day-to-day as the world does: random, by chance, or even the result of clinical probability. Rather, to live immersed in the reality of my identity, as a true citizen of heaven, an adopted son of the living God who reigns eternally, is seated above all things, and has authority over all things.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”

Romans 8:28 NLT

“Then, when all things are under his authority, the Son will put himself under God’s authority, so that God, who gave his Son authority over all things, will be utterly supreme over everything everywhere.”

1 Corinthians 15:28 NLT

Yet, as sublime and truly overwhelming a beautiful sky can be, His lesson in providence for me came out of more grounded classroom.

And so we go back to the store where I work. 

During the last of these occurrences, all of the truths I just explored were of course, still in the back of my head. However, in the middle of a store and in the midst of a panic attack, all I could manage was a single desperate cry the the One I knew could help. 

My God hears the cry of His children. My God answers their prayers. My God commands the wind and the waves. 

In the still of the rebuke, three thoughts like bullet points dotted across my mind:

I thought of the clouds. I thought of the fierce love Christ has for His bride described in Psalm 45.  

Then I thought, these are love songs from Jesus to me. 

Each one then no longer held different shades of pain, but the infinite hues in His pursuit of my heart. He doesn't just hold the playlist at my job, He holds all of it. My whole life is in His hands.

He disarmed the enemy. The pit that was meant to ensnare me had become my salvation. To this day, when the enemy starts to circle, getting closer with every pass, Jesus will use even a secular love song to remind me:

He loves me more than all of the love songs combined could ever express, and 

He is in control. 

Here is an excerpt from Psalm 45:

“Beautiful words stir my heart. I will recite a lovely poem about the king, for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet. You are the most handsome of all. Gracious words stream from your lips. God himself has blessed you forever. Put on your sword, O mighty warrior! You are so glorious, so majestic! In your majesty, ride out to victory, defending truth, humility, and justice. Go forth to perform awe-inspiring deeds! Your arrows are sharp, piercing your enemies’ hearts. The nations fall beneath your feet. Your throne, O God, endures forever and ever. You rule with a scepter of justice. You love justice and hate evil.

Kings’ daughters are among your noble women. At your right side stands the queen, wearing jewelry of finest gold from Ophir! Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart what I say. Forget your people and your family far away. For your royal husband delights in your beauty; honor him, for he is your Lord.”